I do not belong here
by A Soulless Poet
Summary: Removed from the Order under the ruse of a mission, Lavi is sent to Japan where his world takes a life - altering turn...for the worst or the better - read on to find out...
1. Embarassment

Outside, the snow fell, each flake unique in and of itself. Christmas was just two days away, but the red haired gentleman sitting in the inn couldn't care less. They'd just taken down an Akuma...but what use was it? The Earl didn't rest for the holidays...

….So neither would he...

Unable to focus on the history book in front of him, Lavi impatiently slammed the book shut. His two friends with him – exorcists just as he – were talking. Finalizing Christmas plans it sounded like. Although he felt _some_ jealousy, Lavi stamped it down. Leenalee and Allan had worked hard to get where they were, they deserved it.

Thinking back to it, with Bookman, they never really celebrated Christmas. It was just another day. Another thing to memorize and document. Another piece of history. Over the years, Lavi could see in amazingly clarified detail when it switched from a family event too a day of people seeing who received the better gift and from whom. Who gave the better gift to who. A day of greed.

_The best of gifts come from thought and from the heart. _

So lost in thought, Lavi jumped covering Leenalee. When there was no more screams, Lavi stood and looked around. At the stares of the onlookers, Lavi blushed as red as his hair. It only took him a moment to take in Allan's kneeling to realize. Allan had proposed and Leenalee had said _yes. _His two friends had each other...all he had was a mind full of ancient rememberings.

_Merry Christmas to me..._

Jealously, a bitter pill to swallow. A numbing stab to the heart. Turning on numb legs, Lavi locked out. He didn't belong here. Not just the inn, but _here. _Here in the Black Order. In this life. Allan and Leenalee had found their own piece of happiness – couldn't he? There had to be some one out there for him...some one to hold and … look up to and propose too... Slamming his mind close, he tried too calm himself.

Every time his mind wondered in that direction, words that Bookman constantly said over and over rang in his mind. It was like a mantra for the Old Panda!

_Lavi, You are not an apostle of god. First and foremost, you are Bookman. A recorder of history. Just that. You cannot and I repeat this of urgency, _can not _choose sides in this war - _

Before Bookman could finish his mantra, Lavi interrupted him. Waving a dismissive hand, the red head sighed.

"We're here to be neutral. I'm not allowed to love, I get it. Oh sure, I can _think _of you as my father – but if I so much as speak it? God forbid!"

As if it was yesterday, Lavi could still feel the sting of his old mentors slap. He'd run away for three days. It was Leenalee that had found him in a church. It was pouring outside, the roads flooded. As the storm raged outside, they huddled for warmth and comfort from fear. Lavi knew her heart belonged to another...but still, he he held her.

Now she was out of his reach and in the arms of his best friend. Gone for good...Leenalee...

_A bitter pill to swallow, a sharp knife to my heart..._


	2. Stranger

Walking down the road, he let his mind wonder. To clam himself, he used to think of her...Leenalee. His feelings for her and if they were in fact...love. Even in his research, he came across the concept of love. It had so many meanings. So many factors. Two of them being _passion _and _lust. _One on the heels of the other. Even the most mightiest of cities fell to love's Siren song. The city of Troy being the most famous example. A Trojan Prince lusting after a woman he could not have...

_Much the same for my situation...but I don't have the advantage of being a prince of a mighty country...!_

So lost in thought, Lavi didn't realize at first what he'd run into. Knocked down, he landed on his back.

"S-Sorry, Sir...please...allow me...?"

Grasping the hand offered him, the few seconds he held it, he felt … a spark, like a jolt. But it didn't hurt. When he looked up – what he saw beneath the hood took his breathe away.

A small woman stood before him, Skin, the most pure of alabaster. Eyes, blue as the clearest of waters. Almost shyly, his eyes wondered to her lips. Red as a rose. Just looking at them, his lips itched to capture them. To taste and nibble the sweet petals. Capture them in a kiss that would have her clinging to him and begging for more -

_What the hell am I thinking...?_

A door slammed in his mind. Abruptly his thoughts ceased. It was a trick he'd taught himself when …. other...methods were unavailable. Focused once again on the figure before him, he bowed when she handed him his book and walked off.

Looking at the book, Lavi noticed a piece of paper sticking out. When he took it out, it was a picture. A picture of the woman he'd just met.

_Why...?_

The picture was small, trees in the background covered in snow. But that wasn't what he focused on. The same blue eyes, alabaster skin and rose bud mouth – but this time, her hair was down. A chestnut brown – cascading down in waves past her shoulders. The more he stared at the picture, the more his mind seemed to fog, his vision loose all around him except for her face. Shaking his head, he tucked the picture into his pocket and set out down the street. Now he'd have to shop for a present for the groom and bride to be...

_How in the hell did it end up like this...one minute their fighting, the next he's proposing...!_

Leenalee's wild fire was well known in the Order...as was Allan's ability to calm it. Shivering in disgust, Lavi looked around and noticed a random store full of fluffy, frilly bobbins and ribbons. Struck with an idea, he stepped in and was met with a wall of perfume.

"Heeelllooo! Hello, young man! Mmm, how can I help you today, sir?"

Lavi stood frozen for a moment in shock. Here stood before him a man...in a dress...and make – up...and wearing _way _to much perfume! Trying to not cough to much, Lavi waved a hand in greeting. This didn't seem to be the shop he thought it was. Turning to grab the door knob, he pulled his hand back when a pink gloved hand stopped him. Another ladyperson in pink. Knowing he was trapped, Lavi grabbed the first thing off the shelf he could think of.

_A photo album?_

Nodding to the two ladies he took it to the counter and asked the clerk if she could engrave the plaque on the front. When that was done, he tucked it under his arm and walked back to the Order. This was going to be a long day...

_Allan and Leenalee Walker_

_Dec. 25 2013_

_Congratulations on the day of your wedding. _

_Lavi_

Wrapping the album in tissue paper, Lavi angrly wiped away the tear that fell. Tomorrow was the wedding rehearsal … he had to be prepared.


	3. Mission

The whole of the Black Order spoke of nothing but the up coming wedding. _Allan _and _Leenalee _were on every ones lips. A few times, Lavi had even heard his name, be it in passing and with pity. He could tell when they were talking about him because the whole group went silent. People looked away from him, at the wall, the floor. Anything but him. Even Bookman was acting weird. The lessons stopped coming, he wouldn't speak to him. Even the other day when Lavi went to speak to him...Oh sure he got the usual scolding for getting to attached...but something seemed off. He wasn't even hit that time...!

Up in the solitude of the ladder, Lavi's mind wondered too the up coming wedding. Just a few minutes ago, he'd found out that the finders were taking a bet as to see if he was crashing the wedding or not. Ten to one was in the favor of him crashing it. Up here at the top of the ladder... Lavi let the idea nest in his head. Crash the wedding and tell Leenalee his feelings...tell her that he loved her and wanted to be with her. That Allan wasn't who she thought he was. He was selfish, rude, irresponsible, not to mention look who his master was! Cross. A pig of a man.

…_.not allowed to love. You are...Bookman...a heart of stone..._

Gasping, Lavi let the streamer in his hand flutter to the ground. When he looked down to see where it fell, Kamoui stood there. Looking into his eyes, Lavi could tell that he had been crying. Tucking the scissors in his pocket, he felt something. Pulling it out, it was the picture. Just looking at it, it made him feel …. like he wasn't there. Like his words and actions were all a ruse, a lie, a cover for who he really was.

"What are you looking at, Lavi? A picture? Who of?"

The light in the chief's eyes brought a worried feeling to Lavi's gut so he tucked the photo away. Something told him to not let other people see her face. He couldn't figure out why at this moment, but something seemed like it would go wrong if others saw her photo. That would raise questions. Questions he could not answer.

_Like why she was there in the first place..._

Shaking his head, he looked up at the other man with a question in his eyes. Following the chief to his office, Lavi could smell coffee grounds and ink. Old paper and books. All of the scents were rolling through him in waves, making him sick. Forcing himself to sit, he tucked his ankle on his knee and sat back, arms behind his head.

"What's goin' on, Chief? If this is about the streamer I dropped, it was an accident..."

"No, Lavi...it's something different...about my sisters wedding to Allan..."

Bitter bile rushed up his throat and it was all he could do to not be sick. Allan and Leenalee, that was all he heard about. It was the holidays, couldn't he just this once enjoy it? Instead, he swallowed his bitterness and nodded. Not so relaxed now, he grinned and swung back on the chairs rear legs.

"Lavi...we appreciate the help but … you're – _not _invited to the wedding...I'm sorry but it's the wish of Allan...and my Leenalee. You're too close …. to the situation – it would be awkward for all involved. So I'll be sending you on a mission to Japan instead. Ah – special mission...outside of the Order. The Vatican is to not know of this. Do you understand, Lavi?"

Not really understanding, Lavi nodded and accepted the file. He didn't understand. What would happen if the Vatican found out?

_What the hell is going on...? _

And why would his two friends _not _want him there for the most important day of their lives?


	4. A blank page

Although blank, the page before him seemed to be screaming. Words of red. Of blue. Of black. Words of accusations and faults. When he was handed a sealed file and told not to open it until he was on the train, he should have known. When Allan and Leenalee weren't there to see him off, he should have known.

_Even the Old Panda refused to come..._

Hurt by that fact, he shouldn't have been surprised. To be a Bookman was to be detached. All he was, was a vessel of history. A recorder of past and present. And now this. All of it hit home. Him asking to return his jacket "for measurements." Little did they know that he'd kept one of his jackets. Bookman had taken Big Hammer, Little Hammer...his innocence weapon and he felt stripped of a very vital part of his being. It was like part of his soul was torn away leaving a raw and bleeding mark.

A mark that would never heal.

Screaming on the inside, he waited as the train rolled down the track. All he knew was that he was going to Japan. But why? Was there really a child of innocence? And if so why would they hold it back from the Vatican? But all of such thoughts were just his desperation trying to rationalize the fact that he was removed from the Order. They had chosen Leenalee and Allan's fleeting happiness over him. Even his mentor, his guardian, his protector...his father. Bookman.

What fate awaited him in Japan was uncertain. Being a bookman's apprentice all his life, from the age of six...he did not know what else to do. Oddly enough though...it was..._freeing. _Freeing to not have to change his name. In his nineteen years of this world, he'd had _fourty-nine_ different names. A person was ment to only have _one._ One chosen name, be it by them, or by their parents.

Lavi knew all of this...he _knew _it. But still he couldn't help the tears from falling. Still he couldn't stop the pain that felt like his heart was being torn from his chest. Right about know, Leenalee would be walking to Allan, that little smile on her face that he loved so well. Every time he saw that smile, he wanted to hold her close and make her smile like that all the time. To nibble and kiss at the edges, see where the smile came from...where it lead. To look into her eyes and see why she was smiling. Why.

Deep down he knew. That smile was not for him. All the times she looked at him with that little smile, all the times he'd saved her in battle...all the times she sobbed at came to him for comfort...the times he held her close while she cried...it meant little to her. Little to her but the world to him.

And now it was all gone...tossed away. Stretching his legs, he opened the window and ripping the papers before him, he let them go one by one. With each scrap, he thought of a name. With each name, he thought of a goodbye. Krorie, Marian, Bookman,Allan,Kamoui,the science team, the finders, the exorcists, Allan,Kanda...Leenalee...

This last paper, he held to his lips. With one last thought, he let the paper go and rested his head on his arms, the wind blowing the hair away from his face.

"Tired of the papers, mister? Did they say something bad?"

Turning, he grinned at the kid and the woman standing behind him. Making room on the seat, he helped the woman with her bag and nodded to the child. At the womans inquiring look, Lavi simply said.

"That paper was a paper of my past...a home that is no longer my own. I...was ...just tossing away a peice of my life that is no longer a part of me. I'm..._going home._"

When he said that, with certainty, he knew. What lay before him was and would become, his home. No matter what he faced in the time to come, he was no longer Bookman, no longer an exorcist. Able to love and be loved. Able too live a life like a normal nineteen year old, not always on awares for an unseen enemy, not always afraid of shadows and stirrings of emotion. He could finally calm his scarred mind and soothe his raw soul.

When the train stopped, Lavi stepped down...the first thing that greeted him was the Sakura trees. Their blossoms were blowing loose across a platform of stone. Around him people rushed to families and embraced, heading to their own lives. Grabbing his bag and tossing it over his shoulder, what he saw made him gasp. A woman stood there. Her brown hair blowing in the gentle breeze, her smiling blue eyes fixed on his green ones. When she saw him, her smile lit up her whole face. Lavi's heart beat fast and he couldn't help but grin back. When she spoke, her words were hesitant and shy. When she spoke, he was forever trapped in her Sirens song.

"Lavi? Lavi Bookman? I'm Tohru Honda..."


	5. The point of no return

"Lavi? Lavi Bookman? I'm Tohru Honda..."

Still trapped in her beautiful blue eyes, her soft spoken and shy voice...it took Lavi a moment to realize that she was speaking to him...and that they were not alone. Looking over Tohru's shoulder, Lavi noticed a man stood there. Tall, stern, a smoke hanging out the side of his mouth. Still a little dizzy from the train ride and how fast his life had turned upside down, Lavi put a hand to his head. This was just to much...the world began to spin...Tohru reached out to him, the man started to run forward...the world went black...

Lavi could feel something cool touch his forehead. The smell of strawberries was so subtle, just there, tickling his senses. Enjoying the warmth that spread through him, Lavi tugged the blankets closer and reached out to hold the hand. Tenderly holding it close to his chest, the red head sighed in contentment...only to sit up in horror.

"Leenalee!"

The first thing he noticed, was he was not at the Order...not in the library where he slept with Bookman, no papers were strewn all over the floor, no over flowing bookshelves. The whole place was so neat, so clean...and so..._pink_? Why was everything pink?

"Oh! Good he's awake!"

"Kyo, go get Tohru, would you?"

"Why me?! Send that baka Yuki!"

"You never know, she might be just climbing out of the bathroom -!"

The sound of flesh meeting bone caused Lavi to really open his eyes and look around. The freaky man who was smoking earlier was now in a white lab coat and a stethoscope around his neck. Looking down, he groaned and pulled the blanket further up.

"Why...am I naked? Where are my clothes?"

The doctor didn't say anything but stood and passed Lavi his pants and shirt. Then, grabbing a blanket at the end of the bed, he unfolded it and held it out like a curtain.

"I suggest you get dressed before miss Honda comes."

Nodding, Lavi began to dress. Something was eating at him. Why wasn't all of this explained? Why was he kicked out of the Order, no explanation? Was it because of Allan and Leenalee getting married? Did they think it would be awkward to have him there, given his feelings for Leenalee?

"Hey, doc...did...anyone explain why I'm here?"

The man was silent for a moment, and Lavi thought he hadn't heard him. Doing up his belt, he went to strap Big Hammer, Little Hammer to his leg...only to find that it was gone. Anger flashed through him and he knelt down, head between his knees a moment. A hand squeezed his shoulder and the ice voice broke through the haze of red.

"I can't say what it's like to have lost what you've lost and go through what you've gone through, Lavi...the way it was explained to me is Innocence is a part of your very being...and they've stripped you of that. What would be best is if you forgot in entirety your past. What happened has happened and you need to let this Leenalee go...she is obviously happy or has some other motive for being with this Allan Walker or she would have fought to keep you. Don't let your heart close up and become ice over some girl that doesn't even deserve it. Now. Enough. Sit down in the chair and get your boots on."

A soft knock on the door caused the two to look up. Lavi couldn't help but smile at the smile Tohru gave him. It seemed a smile all his own...just for him, a little secret. Before anything could be said, his stomach growled. With a giggle, Tohru gently grabbed his hand and lead him away to the kitchen. Holding onto her hand a little tighter, Lavi tried very hard to follow the doctors advice...but it was gonna be _damn _hard...


	6. Conffesions of a wounded ex-exorcist

As Tohru cooked and he sat at the table, Lavi couldn't help but let his eyes wonder. This whole room smelled so clean, so...so like a home...

Running his hands gently over the table top, he couldn't help but think of Leenalee and Allan. They'd be married right now. Husband and wife...the two would have had their wedding night. Gasping at the pain in his heart, he gripped the table top tighter. Screaming silently on the inside, he damned Bookman, Kamoui, Leenalee, Allan, the whole damned order, the Noah's – everyone in his past life. Damned them to hell. Crushing his eyes closed, he desperately tried to not let the tears fall. Memories flashed before his eyes:

His first night with Leenalee, each of them new to this act. Each movement jerky and clumsy. Eventually, each movement a slice of their own heaven.

His first kiss, her lips so soft and – with a bitter laugh – tasting of mint. Cool. Crisp.

Having to hide his heart...his feelings, for fear of being found out. Wanting nothing more then to find a quiet place and kiss her senseless. Having to hide the looks, the smiles, the lustful gazes from eyes that could spell it's end faster then one could take a breath.

His finally plucking up the nerve too tell her how he felt...

...only to have his heart shut down and told she loves another.

And the icing on the cake? His lover was marrying his best friend. And they asked him to be the best man.

Nice of them, hey?!

Slamming his fists on the table, Lavi let a couple of the tears fall. A tightness in his chest caused his breath to hitch and gasp. So lost in his misery, he let it swallow him. Engulf and embrace him. Let it eat away at his already broken heart...

Until he felt two small arms wrap around him from behind. Through his shirt, he could feel her shaking, feel her tears. She was..._crying? _For..._him_? No one had even bothered to _ask _let alone tell him until a few days before the wedding! Why would it matter now if some girl he _just_ met cried for him? It didn't. He could care less either way how she felt. Sad, happy, it wasn't his concern!

But...

As he was sitting there getting lost in his own misery, tiny hands gripped his shirt tighter, arms holding him closer against her chest. Her shaking ceased but a little. When she spoke, her voice was a soft whisper against his ear, shivers worked their way down his flesh at her voice.

"I know we just met...but...you're family now. I...I want to cry with you, and laugh with you. See you grow from your past and embrace your future. Hatori...Hatori explained what happened to you. I...I'm sorry what happened to you. He said that your brothers and sisters – even your own father! - left you. Your...best friend was marrying you – girlfriend...?"

Sighing, Lavi turned and standing, held her close. A coldness filled him from the inside out...holding her thawed that chill. But not the chill in his voice.

"Bookman was …. like a father to me...when he – adopted – me, I left my old life behind and traveled with him around the world learning the history of our past. Our origins if you will. Not his and mine but of life itself...we eventually came upon ah...ah – family – of special people that had a unique ability. _Innocence_, it's called. Basically innocence is a part of a special being – called an exorcist – or apostle of god – said special being is given abilities beyond that of mortals. Weapons if you will to defeat demons called Akuma. I spent my entire life recording and learning history...fighting beside my family. I was not allowed to love, period. To be attached was to be biased and that's not allowed under any circumstances. Extremly long story short... I fell in love with my best friend. We...had moments. I thought she loved me too – turns out she didn't love me back. She was just using me for her own pleasures. Needless to say – I...found her and my best friend in a – ahehg – intimate moment...I shrugged it off – mistakes, ya' know? It was a party, to much wine...four days later – she breaks up with me. A month later, they're getting married. Three days later from the day they told me. My boss sent me here, they took my _innocence_, my exorcist jacket, aaand here I am...standing here sobbing in the arms of a woman I just met..."

Holding her a little closer, holding her a little tighter...Lavi could smell strawberries.

"No matter what happens, Lavi... you're here now. You've family with us, Yuki, Shigure, Kyo, myself...the extended Sohma family...you're family!"

A shiver ran down her small frame and a jolt shocked through the red head. When she spoke, her voice was full of fear, eyes bright with it.

"You'll...just...have to meet Akito..."


	7. Decent into hell

_**Seeing as you are the only one kind enough to read my work, Dear One this is for you! Let me just apologize ahead of time...! You'll see why once you read the chapter... xD**_

Sitting further back into the car seat, the red head absently plucked at pieces of his hair and let it fall back into place. Adjusting the leather straps around his wrists, he hoped to hide his little secret. That little game he played the night before couldn't be found out. Why he was so idiotic enough to actually go through with it...

_It helped keep the memories away...just the thought of her in the arms of Walker...what they're doing...!_

Again his fingers itched to pick up his sharp edged lover. Her bite was cruel, but after the pain subsided, she was tender. Warm. Each bite a scream of agony. Each tender second after, a release he so desperately sought. Fidgeting again, he tried to see if he had a paper clip, a tack, anything. A tiny hand on his wrist stopped him cold.

Cursing inwardly, Lavi mentally berated himself. She knew. She must have heard him curse and panic after his first time. To get one lover out of his mind, he'd sought a crueler, more wicked one. One that didn't cheat. Didn't ask questions, nor want much of anything in return. All this new lover wanted was his pain filled memories. And he gave of them freely.

Anything to be rid of the memories of Leenalee. Of being kicked out of the Order so cruelly. Of Akuma. Of his loss of innocence in mind, body, soul...and some place much more deeper, right down to his core where his_ innocence _truly lived. Fidgeting again, this time it was because he missed the feel and weight of Big Hammer, Little Hammer against his thigh.

Feeling her hands shivering, he clasped Tohru's hand...only to realize that it was _his _hands that were shaking, not hers. From the front passenger, a chuckle sounded.

_Why'd that idiot __**novelist **__have to come alone?! All he does is tease and nag...besides...his books are kinda nasty...__perverted old man...probably tries to make Tohru wear a maid's uniform when she cleans...! _

Shivering at the memory, Lavi had grabbed a book to read off the book shelf without really realizing what it was. So caught up in the story of adventure and romance, angst and horror, he didn't realize what he was reading until it was there, smack in the face. By then, he was almost done the book – not one to stop mid-book, he finished...and vowed to _**never again **_pick up a book written by Shigure Sohma or any of his aliases. He couldn't live through another horror like that!

"So, Lavi! Tohru says you're going to meet Akito! That's exciting! He _is _the head of this family you know..."

The way that Shigure spoke caused red flags to raise in Lavi's mind. His memory flashed back to the fear he saw in Tohru's blue eyes in the kitchen. The fear that caused her voice to catch a moment. Alarms rang screaming in his head. _Do not trust Akito Sohma! _Adding to it, he came to the conclusion as to not fully trust this Shigure Sohma either. Right now, the only person he could trust was Tohru.

So lost in thought, he let his mind wonder back to the Order and his previous battles he'd fought. If he was to stand in front of a mirror in nothing but his boxers, he'd see a map of scars all over his body. Scars from wars he fought. Battles he won...and some he lost. Scars he got for friends, forbidden to one such as him. For the times the Old Panda had stuck him with to many acupuncture needles (the Old Panda's innocence weapon) during training. So many scars, each with their own tale to tell. The one scar that the world couldn't see. The one scar that he couldn't see, but could feel like a brand to his very soul...was the scar left on his heart. Her name branded there, forever burned into his heart, his soul, his very core of who he was. _Leenalee_.

Running his free hand through his mussed hair, he sighed. Shigure was prattling on, Tohru answering, her smile not as happy as it usually was. He could see it _just _there – a little stiff in the corners of her lips. And her eyes didn't smile back like they always did. Even though he'd just met her, he wanted to see that smile. Every day. He wanted to see that smile and be the cause of such a beautiful moment.

Shigure's voice cruelly pulled him from his day dream. Just then Tohru looked at him and the fear was back in her eyes. She began to shake more visibly. Not wanting to be to forward, but wanting to offer comfort, Lavi opened his arms. And wasn't surprised when Tohru came and glued herself to his side. There was nothing intimate about the action, it was purely instinctual. Something inside his very being told him: no matter what...protect her. _Even if it cost him his very life. _

When Shigure spoke, his voice was cheery...excited even. And to Lavi, that scared him a whole hell of a lot more then Tohru's terrified mannerisms, the fear that kept drowning him in a gaze of blue. Sucking him in and down, lower until he couldn't breathe...

"Lavi! Welcome to house Sohma! There's Akito's!"


	8. Waiting on the edges of fear

When the car came to an abrupt stop, Lavi's head smashed against the seat in front of him. Growling in anger, he was about to speak up and say something when a thing far more important caught his eye.

The sakura tree in front of him was dead. The flowers were not in full bloom but it shouldn't look gnarled and twisted. Like it's twisted in on itself and ready to fall down onto the ground, the last remnant of it's life scattered to the winds. Looking further, he noticed the grass wasn't as green as that of the yard a few feet away. What measly flowers there was were all sickly, dying, or dead. The stone steps way was cracked, pieces missing in some places. Even the air seemed to be affected by this strange miasma. It chilled him right to the bone. Lavi's guard rose tenfold.

Holding the door for Tohru, he bowed and held out his arm for her. Mostly in the selfish hope that holding her close would steady his heart and chase away fear...but also in hopes to try and still her constant shivering. This place did not seem like a place you'd want to let your guard down. Or show _any –_ even a little! - signs of vulnerability.

Following Hatori and Shigure up the broken stone path, he stared in amazement as both men walked by as if nothing was wrong. They walked as if this was a casual visit among friends. As if there was no chill. No hint at things left best unspoken. Left lie to where they lay. With one last look behind him at the sunshine, he shivered and ducked indoors, after Tohru.

Once inside, his hopes were officially dashed. The inside looked the same – if not worse – then the outside. Faded pictures of what he assumed was Akito and the passed Patriarchs and Matriarchs of the Sohma family, they all looked so serious. Like the weight of the world was on their shoulders. Theirs and theirs alone to bear. Unable to stop looking at the disturbing faces, he only turned his face away from the photo's when he heard a male voice speak. Each word was like a cold finger slowly rubbing down his spine. He shivered, praying no one noticed.

"Admiring my family photo's Lavi? Mmm...don't act surprised. I was told all about you...so delicious..."

As he turned to look at the man that stood before him, Lavi's first thought was:

_He can't be of this world..._

Bowing low, Lavi was speechless. Here before him stood one of the Sohma house. Speechless for a moment, he took a breath and began to explain. Only to be hit upside the head. Ignoring the snarly comment that rose to the surface, Lavi instead took a deep breath to calm himself. What he smelled instead of the sweet fragrance of Honey Suckle, he tried hard to not cough when he realized what it was really.

The smell of death clung to this man, his own personal miasma. Around him he had a dark aura...it was as if the shadows themselves bent to this weird and obviously miss-happen man. A feral smile creeped over his features causing Lavi to shiver – and not from cold.

"My name is Kureno. I run this house hold...Akito sent me too collect you..."

As the man turned to walk away, Lavi saw no choice but to follow. Looking behind him, he noticed Shigure and Hatori were already gone. Tohru stood there staring at the picture of the current Matriarch, Akito.

_Why would she stare at that photo...?_

"Tohru? Tohru, we should go...?"

"Hm? Oh, Lavi...y-yes...let's go..."

Again his instincts screamed to protect her. Something was wrong here, but he couldn't tell what. Couldn't shake that eerie chill that seemed to cling.

"We shouldn't linger, you two...Tohru – you _know _Akito doesn't like to be kept waiting..."

Wrapping his arm around her waist, he held her close. Tight against his side, she could feel her shivering. The hall this Kureno was leading them down was dark, cold... it seemed as if the shadows themselves were _alive..._


	9. Fear hath no name

"Wait here."

Stopping in front of a set of shoji doors, Lavi gently rubbed Tohru's side, trying his best to calm her down. Her tiny frame was shaking like a leaf, and her tiny hand kept clenching and unclenching his shirt. What she was so afraid of, he could not tell. At least...not at the moment.

Leaning against the wall, he gently tugged Tohru with him. Easily she followed. Fidgeting with his wrist bands, Lavi wanted nothing more then to be alone so he could indulge in the pleasures of his new found lover. He could already feel it. The coldness of need...the warmth of release...all of it. In a river of red, could he forget the memories...

"Lavi! You're bleeding!"

Shocked out of his reverie by Tohru grabbing his wrists, he noticed his hand had worked it's way under his wristbands. Sighing, he took them off...only to gasp at her feather light touch. Quick and sure, her fingers danced over his bandages, removing them. That done, she motioned for him to wait there and ran off. He assumed, to grab a first aid kit.

While she was gone, he sat there and stared at the angry red welts in his wrists. They stood out, raised against the pale skin. When he poked one, pain, different from what he felt at first kiss. This pain was not pleasant. This pain actually _hurt_. Before he could poke it again, a hand came and slapped away his finger. Looking up, the red head looked into the deep green eyes of Hatori Sohma. When the man spoke his voice was quick and low.

"What the hell do you think you were doing?"

Jab with the rubbing alcohol. A gasp from Lavi.

"Obviously no one explained what the hell you're getting into."

Jab again with the alcohol. Lavi grits his teeth.

"_Do not let Akito see these bandages._"

Swiftly bandages are wrapped around his wrists, leather wristbands strapped on and Hatori shoved the first aid kit under the table beside them. Helping Lavi up, Hatori lit a smoke and much to Lavi's confusion, starting talking about something really random.

"...glad you could come. Your old boss sent us a message stating as to why you came, I was curious but when I tried to ask a question as to what you once were he -"

"Akito will see you now. Just you, Bookman."

Nodding, Lavi turned to look back at Tohru, but a hand on his shoulder stopped him. Looking at Hatori, the doctor barely shook his head. Eyes darting quickly to Tohru for a moment, he again looked at the doctor.

"You have my word."

Four words, whispered on the breath of a sigh. Four words, a promise.

_I will look after her. _

Nodding, he followed Kureno through the shoji door. What he saw, made him gasp. Frozen in shock for a moment, he couldn't help but stare. Before him stood a woman, clothed in a kimono of the lightest blue. When she turned and started to walk towards him, her movements were lithe, smooth...like that of a dancers. Unsure of what to do, Lavi only bowed, cleared his throat and spoke in a hushed voice, full of awe.

"Hello, ma'am...my name is Lavi Bookman..."

Before he could say anymore, her small body had him pushed against a wall, tounge licking at the shell of his ear. Gasping, Lavi lifted his hands to push her away, only to pull them back when her fist came up and lightly punched him on the stomach. When green eyes met hers, fear overwhelmed him, like the rush of a river. The eyes before him were lifeless.

Eyes of ice...eyes of the Devil himself...


	10. Like that of the Devil scorned

Trying to breathe through the pain, Lavi gasped again as Akito took his earlobe in her mouth and gently bit down.

_What the hell is this woman doing!?_

Not wanting to get into a compromising position, Lavi apologized in his head and gritting his eyes closed, he placed his hands on her chest and shoved. Hard...only to stare at his hands in wonder.

"You're..."

A dark laugh escaped, sending a chill down the red heads spine. It seemed the very shadows in the room responded to this maniacal music. They seemed to dance around in an eager enjoyment, gathering around him, then fading when the music ended.

"Mmm, yes...you stupid fool, I'm a _man._"

Beating down the nerve to gag and wipe at his earlobe, Lavi only stood straighter. Why he was here, he didn't have a clue. For sure though, he sure as hell did _not _come here too get beat up. Remembering the diplomacy Bookman taught him, Lavi masked his features and once again spoke, as if nothing had happened.

"Sir, my name is Lavi Bookman...I am here at the request of Shigure Sohma to introduce myself and express my desire to live under his roof. I've means to keep myself, I just need a home."

With a sigh, Akito went to adjust his robe...only too fling his arm out in a wild strike. Grasping the mans wrist, Lavi used his weight against him and pushed Akito against a wall. His arm pressed against the mans throat.

"Fool me once, you're an idiot. Fool me twice...you'd better say your fuckin prayers."

Pushing once more against the mans throat, Lavi let him drop to the ground. This wasn't the way he had hoped to introduce himself too the head of the Sohma family. He wasn't one too stand around and get beat either. No longer part of the Black Order, it didn't mean that he'd forgotten what he'd learned. First and foremost, self defense.

"Now, if we're done playing around, you know my name. Who I am, why I am here. What of you, Akito."

In way of answer, again that chilling laugh. When the raven haired man stood, he began to drag his nails across the tender flesh under his wrists. When he spoke, his voice was mesmerizing. Soft.

"Funny, isn't it Lavi...how in trying to hide our pasts, we seek ways to change who we are..."

The scars at his wrists began to burn. Lavi tried his best to hide them, Hatori's words wringing in his mind. _Do not let Akito see these bandages. _This mans eyes seemed to see right into his _soul _never mind through measly bandages.

Eyes that brought back pain...

Eyes that brought back memories...

Once again before his eyes she stood...eyes warm as fire, filled with want...for him. His Leenalee. Gathering her in his arms, he cast aside his rolls of apprentice bookman and exorcist. For just one night, the two embraced, lost in the eternal dance of love...

The time in the coffee shop, when all he was trying to do was defend his friend...the looks on hers and Allan's faces...

The woman in town the day he crashed into her...he knew now that the woman was just Leenalee in a disguise...the picture that of Tohru. Even now, he could not say one hundred percent for sure why she had the picture. Probably sent from Kamoui...

_I guess that's when it really began...that day on the street...who knew that my life could turn upside down..._

Tohru's face filled his mind. Her smile...the way she held him in the kitchen when she said that he was apart of this family. Immediately she made him feel welcome...

Such memories of happiness were not all that the cold eyes brought forth...

To date, the worst memory he had was of the day he left the Black Order. Ever was Bookman by his side. In the quiet of his mind, Lavi dared say that Bookman was his father...

As such, he expected him there on the day of his leaving. The thought that he wouldn't even be there didn't come to mind for a _second_. When the time came, a finder came too collect him. Down the path to the train station they went, the finder staying silent by his side. Handed his mission folder once again, a train ticket and a bow from the finder...he was left. That was all – his goodbye. After all his years of service with Bookman – eighteen years. After the seven years he spent at the Black Order...he thought at least _some one _would come and say goodbye...

Falling to his knees, he let the shadows embrace him. In front of him, Akito adjusted his robe and went to sit down beside a bird fountain, a tiny bell rung. Lavi could hear the shoji door open and hear a gasp. Tiny hands clasped his and he gripped tight. Unable to speak, he only looked into the eyes of the one who held him. Tohru.

Before more could be said, an orange haired man walked in, a glare so filled with hatred aimed at Akito. Kneeling beside Lavi, he scooped him up in his arms. Arm around the mans neck for balance, he reached out for Tohru again. Unable to chase away the wave of memories slamming into his mind, heart and soul, he gathered the shadows of the monster at their backs. Let them embrace him...and thanked the gods above...

He had met with...and lived through...a deal with the Devil himself...


	11. A dream, a nightmare

It's Italics because it's Lavi's dream and nightmare XD ~A Soulless Poet

_Wondering the hall ways of the Black Order, Lavi Bookman felt lost. He'd wondered these halls thousands of times. Be it alone, with Allan, Leenalee...on occasion, the finders. Once or twice, he'd even ran from one of Kamoui's "babies". _

_These halls were his home, where he'd studied, laughed, joked, cried, fought...**lived. **Eternal echos bounced off the walls, tales of times passed in these halls. Meetings, be they secret or business. Many things went on in these halls, and the halls remembered it all. _

_Looking around, the red head finally found what he was looking for. Leenalee. Walking a little faster to catch up with her, he reached out to catch her hand, only to have her dance out of his way. Thinking it just a game, he follows, gives chase. A smile works across his lips as the animalistic desire to chase takes over. She is his prey, and he'll catch her. _

_Running through the twists and turns of the hall ways, her cloak flowing behind her, Lavi can't help but think about what will happen when he catches her. He'll get to hear her laugh, see her beautiful smile. She turns and heads for a door. Quickly she flings the door open and slams it behind her. Following suit, Lavi opens the door – his smile full bloom now, he's caught her. She is his. - Only to reel in shock. Leenalee is here yes, but in the arms of Allan Walker. The two are holding onto each other, kissing..._

_Now he's in the Sohma's house. Around him, everything is quiet. He can hear a soft voice...thinking Tohru might be up, he walks to the stairs and takes a few steps down. When he hears male laughter, Lavi freezes. Not Tohru. Ready to turn back, something the voice says catches his attention._

"_Yes, his old boss called, said his sister...Leenalee? Wanted to talk to him. Wanted to ask why he'd left when she wanted him there at her wedding. Did you know that she married his **best friend?! **How cruel is that! They used to be lovers too, apparently...Mm...yeah he's here now...Hmm – wait, wait, wait – no, don't do that. I'll tell him in the morning that she called...yeah – bye."_

_Reeling back, Lavi felt himself shivering. He was about to go back upstairs and think about what he'd heard when the sliding of a door caught his attention. Another male spoke, this time more angry. The voices he realized belonged to Shigure – he spoke on the phone. This new voice belonged to Hatori. _

"_You said you wouldn't call Akito. Or Kureno. You do not know this young man so why would you do this? You do not know this man, you do not know the past he's had. He thought that his family **abandoned him? **Do you know how that feels? To think that you're family will be there forever, your job forever, then to have both torn away so cruelly? Shigure, you are a bastard. Know this. I will do anything I can to protect Lavi and Tohru. He is here for a reason. You **will **fall."_

_Hatori stepped out and before Lavi could so much as move, he was spotted. Working his way down the stairs, he tried to act like he hadn't heard a thing. Hatori simply bowed and followed him to the kitchen. Putting the kettle on, he grabbed two cups and two bags of chamomile tea. No words were spoken between the two men. Each man knew that the other knew. Each man knew not to say anything. _

_After drinking his tea, Lavi was really feeling worn out. Nodding his thanks, he washed his cup, tossed his tea bag and was about to leave. When Hatori cleared his throat, Lavi looked back and sighed. Lavi nodded and bowed. Each went to bed. Covering himself with his blankets, he did his best to quiet his mind. In the silence of the kitchen, Hatori's sigh spoke a promise. Four words spoken on a sigh. For words, a promise. _

_**I will protect her. ** _

Gasping awake, Lavi flicked on his light and lay back with a sigh. So under stress of meeting Akito, his mind had forgotten about Shigure's phone call and the tea with Hatori...

Forgotten about Leenalee and the halls of the Black Order...


	12. Calm before the storm

The sun wasn't even peeking through the window when Lavi decided to get out of bed. Unable to lie still any longer, he sighed and tossed the covers off. His nightmarish dream from the night before still haunted his foggy brain. It stood just on the edges, lingering. Pointing an accusing finger. The red head couldn't just go and accuse Shigure of...what? A phone call? He might be able to talk to Hatori...maybe the doctor would remember. He'd just need to get a hold of him. But if he wasn't injured, Lavi wouldn't want him to waist his time over petty que -

A soft knock on the door interrupted his thoughts. Without even really thinking as to his compromising position, he ran a hand through his hair and scrubbed at his eyes.

"Come."

the door slid open and in walked an orange haired man. The same one that carried him from Akito's home. Waving a little in welcome it was then that he realized exactly _how compromising_ his situation was. The next ten seconds were a flurry of activity.

"Aw dude! Get some pants!"

"Hey man, get out! I wasn't thinking! C'mon guy!"

Grabbing a blanket trying to cover himself, Lavi looked around for his pants. Usually he slept in his boxers and thought nothing of it the night before. Clearly he'd have to get some pajama pants if he was to live around here...

"What's going on here? L-Lavi?! B...b...aaahuh!"

Looking again in the direction of the door, Lavi hopped on one foot trying to regain his balance. Tohru was leaning against the door, shoulders shaking, head in her hands. The orange haired man was no where to be seen. Jeans pulled on, belt tight, he knelt beside Tohru and placed his hand on her shoulder. When she turned to apologize to him, her hand met his chest...and stayed there...for a few seconds. At her touch, Lavi could feel his stomach tighten into knots.

When he held her at Akito's house, that was different, he was protecting her. When he held her now...

"G'morning, Tohru."

"G-good m-morning, Lavi!"

Chuckling, he held the hand against his chest a little tighter. Opening his mouth to speak, was about to say something when the door against slid open. Laughter rang out, followed by a low growl.

"What's that baka doing to miss Honda?!"

"Aaaaah...ha-wha- AHMAGO! I can't breathe! Lavi...Mmmmhmm...what do we have here?"

Looking up in surprised horror, Lavi saw two men standing there. One he knew for sure to be Shigure, and a weird purple eyed purple haired strange person standing there. Narrowing his eyes at the new arrival, he stared the new comer down.

_How many men live in this house?! Shigure, Hatori is here all the time, that weird orange haired guy, now this purple haired...guy? Girl...? Guy...Yes. Yes? Yes...I hope...!_

Standing, he helped Tohru up and gently lead her to his bed. With a smirk, he noticed that the two didn't react. This was _his _territory, Tohru was on his territory, there for she was his. Until she stepped out of his room of course...

But. That could be dealt with later...

Tossing on his shirt, he held out his arm for Tohru and grinned like the Cheshire cat when she held it. The two stepped downstairs...the last of the fogginess left his mind. With a smile, Lavi playfully nudged her with his shoulder. Laughing when she nudged back.

As the two walked down the hall, their laughter could be heard bouncing off the walls. Pure, innocent, carefree...For now...


	13. A cage of silver, a key of gold

About to take a bite, Lavi set down his chop-sticks. Just then, a white and black haired man entered. Something about him seemed...off. He knew something. It was the way he looked at the red head. A small smile sitting just there in the corner of his lips. A twinkle in his eyes. When the man sat down, Tohru got up to serve him, Lavi put his hand gently on her wrist. Getting up too serve the man, he heard him snicker.

Scooping rice into a bowl, the red head took the chance to give him a once over. Pierced ears, a few necklaces, black sleeveless turtleneck, belt with a belt buckle depicting a bull, black jeans. Typical teen-age rebellious garb. After everyone was served, he took his time handing Tohru her rice bowl, making sure their fingers brushed. When she softly gasped, he looked her right in the eye and smiled.

"Dinner looks astounding...very..._tempting_..."

Lavi could see her breath skip a beat. Smiling, he sat down beside her. About to take a bite, a thought struck him dumb. What. The hell. Was he doing. He was Bookman! He was not aloud to love! No...no, he was.. _free. _He was allowed to love. Allowed to choose his own way of living. Aloud to..._live. _But...

why was he flirting with Tohru? Because she was the first woman he was allowed to look at? Because his emotions were so...So what? He knew what love was. He loved Leenalee. He loved Bookman and Allan, the finders, the science team, the other exorcists..._that_ was love.

This...couldn't be love. It was impossible. He was only here for a day. But...how else to explain how he felt? He wanted to be near her, he found reasons too during the day he was here. How his whole body felt like one giant blush when she was near. How when she touched him, a shock went through where their skin met. A delicious chill down his spine. When he looked into her blue eyes, he felt lost. Like he was falling, deep down into oblivion and did not want to stop himself.

Confused and desperately wishing he could talk to some one – even Bookman! - Lavi finished his meal and carried his plate to the kitchen. Running a sink of soapy water, he began the one thing that calmed him down. Washing dishes. There was something about the sudsy water that calmed him. Once full, he shut off the tap and sighed in contentment when he dipped his hands in the suds and warmth. About to settle into his time-worn routine, he dropped a knife back into the water when a voice behind him sounded.

"So, I hear about your little...adventure this morning. Freaked Kyo and Yuki out, Shigure got a real kick out of it...!"

Sighing, Lavi turned again to the white and black haired man. There was just something about him that seemed...well...stalkerish in a way...like he was _always _there. Wiping his hands on a towel, he nodded.

"Ya' know, I don't know who any of these people are...? I just know Tohru, Hatori and...that perverted mutt, the author."

"Shigure...?"

Flicking a towel over his shoulder, he reached back into the water. Only to gasp in pain and bring his hand back. Red. Covered in blood. _His _blood. Lavi's hand was bleeding. He'd cut it with a knife. And all he could do was stare at it, unmoving.

"Hey, ah man...you're bleeding."

Just then, Tohru walked in with the remaining dishes, followed by the other two from before. The purple and orange haired men. When Tohru saw that he was bleeding, she dropped her dishes and ran straight to him. Snapping the towel off his shoulder, she wrapped it around his hand. The two men behind her grabbed ice and a needle and thread. Stomach lurching, Lavi knew this wasn't going to be good...

As Tohru's fingers cleaned the wound, Lavi felt his bones melt, numb, he let himself go and he lay, his back to her chest.

"This is going to hurt...Good thing Hatori was here for tea and supper...!"

As the first stitch was made, he gasped and felt Tohru's cool hands on his cheeks, face, gently down his neck and rubbing his shoulders, trying to calm, distract and soothe. Her whispered words of comfort worked their way in his ears. The whispers of an angel come to earth. With his free hand, he gently gathered her hands and held them to his frantically beating heart. It was this second that he realized...

He was not free at all...just put into a cage of silver, a lock and key of gold...


	14. A day on the beach

"Just a little bit down..."

Nervously, Lavi rubbed his hands down Tohru's back a little more. Over her shoulders and her neck. He tried to keep his touch feather light, but still firm. He was pleased to see his hands did not shake – to much. Over the back of her long legs, down her sides. Her skin was so very smooth, cream white and beautiful. Gently brushing her auburn hair aside, the red head slowly rubbed the sides of her neck. Lastly, down her slim arms and over her smooth hands, gentle as a feather fingers. A deep blush burned his face as he sat back and wiped his hands against his swim shorts. Done with the sun lotion, he capped it and tucked it in his bag.

Reaching over to tie Tohru's swim suit top back shut – he'd untied it just to put lotion on her back! - when a voice behind him sounded. Deep and dark, it sounded creepy with a hint of evil glee.

"Hey Lavi...what are you doing to poor Tohru? Tsk. Tsk. Bad wolf! First the boxer-shorts, then this! What's next? Mayb – huhg!"

Kicking out, Lavi tripped the man behind him. Ready to punch the man out, he stopped only when the orange haired man – whom he now knew as Kyo Sohma – stopped his fist.

"Hey! Easy! He was just kidding! Haru – Hatori said to leave him alone!"

Trying to control his breathing, Lavi took a few deep breathes and got off the fallen man. Every nerve was on fire. He was ready for battle and would fight to the end if need be. But -he shook his head trying to clear it- he wasn't back at the Order. He wasn't back in a battle with an Akuma. He was here. On the beach with Tohru and the Sohma's. Today was the first day of summer. He'd been living here for a few months. Had a job at a bookstore and was _happy. _He was Lavi Bookman. _Not _an exorcist. _Not _a Bookman. He was just a man. A regular nineteen year old.

So lost in the wave upon wave of memories, he fell to the sand, trying desperately to breathe, to move – to think!

"Lavi! Hey...you're okay?"

Two thin arms wrapped around his waist, a head of auburn hair resting against his chest. He could hear her breathing, deep and slow. Feel her warmth slowly consuming him. It was...relaxing...soothing. Behind him, laughter rang out. Haru sat there in the sand in his cow – spotted swim trunks, laughing his head off. Kyo slapped him upside the head and Yuki just hid his face in his palm. They knew what was coming...

"Hey! You just put sun lotion all over her, you'd think you could keep your hands off her a sec there, fiery head?!"

…..Black Haru...

Gently releasing himself from Tohru, Lavi slowly walked over to Haru, still laughing in the sand. Grabbing his hand, he dragged him over to the waves and tossed him into deep water. Satisfied, he turned. Only to be tackled by Tohru and a little blonde hair ball. Laughing, the group fell back into the shallow waves, only to come up for air. Shaking water out of his eyes, Lavi stood and looked at the blonde haired child sitting on his shoulders.

"Hey Blondie...You're – ah...I'm not a pillow!"

Scooping the kid off his shoulders, Lavi instead let the kid cling to his leg as he dragged him to shore. Both laughing as they went. Tohru followed a little ways behind them, stopping to pick up Lavi's sun glasses.

"I'm not Blondie!"

"Got a name then, Usagi?"

"Rabbit! Where'd you think of calling me a rabbit, Lavi?"

Looking down at the sand, it took all he could too not stomp the hell out of it. To not fall to his knees and scream the agony ripping at his soul, tear out his hair and curse the heavens. The Vatican. The Black Order. Anything to take the pain away.

"You're...bouncy...like a rabbit!"

"Usagi...I like it! But my name is - !"

"Momiji! Get off of Lavi. He wants to spend time with miss Honda."

Inwardly cringing, Lavi waved to Momiji who ran up to Hatori and rolled over. Grabbing his novel, he opened it again and settled to read. Ever since working at the book store, he discovered – and yes, much to the laughter of his family! - he liked romance novels. Soft fluffy, mushy romance. Happy endings he could see from miles away.

_Maybe because it's so far away from my old life style..._

Rolling over, he smiled as Tohru gently lay her head on his chest and cuddled close. Humming a tune he had stuck in his head from years ago, he sighed content...

….Until Haru spoke up and yelled for the whole beach to hear...

"Hey! Lavi! Did you ask Tohru to be your date yet!?"

Blushing a deep crimson, Lavi grabbed a handful of sand and ran right towards the white and black haired man. The two figures could be seen chasing each other down the beach, a little blonde haired boy getting a piggy back from the red headed teen. Haru kept turning back making kissing noises and raspberries.

The sun shone on the water, a crimson sky above an azure ocean.


	15. Unspoken conffession

_**To my friend Happyteehee! Thank you for reading from the shadows! It made me so very happy to find out that you read and enjoy my work! The characters death and Happyteehee – dear friends, a gift for you! Thank You doesn't even cover how grateful I am, how honoured. **_

Stretching out, Lavi rolled onto his back and dug his toes a little deeper in the sand. The cool roughness of it felt calming. It made him feel rooted to the ground. Feeling rooted, it allowed him to really organize his thoughts. _Leenalee..._her name still raced like fire through his heart, his body. Even thinking about her, he still felt a small stirring of...

_Haaahg! What the hell am I thinking! She's gone, she's married! She's...she's...oh god. She's probably carrying his child! Allan and Leenalee...Oh god!_

Rolling over onto his hands and knees, Lavi crawled his way to a bush where he violently let go of the contents of his stomach.

_Uuhgh...shouldn't have had a sixth hot dog...damned Haru, challenging me to an eating contest...! The damned baka won anyways...eleven ho – oh god!_

Again his stomach forcibly emptied itself, this time right onto Tohru's lap. Jolting up right, Lavi wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. Finally able to stand, the red head straight away picked up Tohru and raced towards the water. As soon as his ankles touched water, he fell to his knees. Crossing his legs, he set her on his lap and began to wash the vomit off of her stomach and lap. To embarrassed to say anything, he just gently splashed water over her, methodically.

The sweetest laughter ever to grace his ears rang out. Her small gentle hands reached out to stop him. Shaking his head, he didn't stop trying to splash water to get it off. This had to be the worst thing he'd done to date! Throwing up on a woman! _On Tohru! _ Sure he'd tossed his alcohol on Allan tons of times, but so had Allan on him! And a lot worse besides...! But to do this to Tohru...?

"Lavi? Why were you sick? Was it from the eating contest? I told you and Haru not too after Yuki and Kyo stopped...I have anti-acids in my beach bag. Here, let me – Ah! Lavi?"

Head lowered to hide his expression. One of agony. Of pain so severe it took his breath away. Chipped away at his heart of stone. Boiled his blood and seared unwanted memories to his mind like a photo eternal. Rinsing his mouth, he spit off to the side and gently cupped her cheek in his hand. Slowly his thumb worked its way over her rose petal blush...down her alabaster neck. Leaning forward, he lay his head on her shoulder and gasped. Tohru's arms wrapped around his waist, soothing. When she spoke, her voice was a soft whisper against his shoulder.

"It wasn't the hot dogs, was it."

No a question, but a soft spoken comment.

"I saw you reading your book...but you were staring off into space. You looked...sad. Did some thing happen? If there's anything I can do...Please, Lavi. You're one of us now. You...you can count on me for anything. On Kyo, Haru, Hatori, Yuki...all of us. We're your family!"

Unable to speak. Unable to stop the shaking, he tried to calm himself. Like a drowning man dying for water, he held her. Slowly each word formed. Chewing on it, he spit it out. Each word a stone lodged in his throat, a searing coal burning his tongue. Desperately he held them back, eagerly he let them go.

"I was thinking of my old …. lover...Leenalee...She – she married by ex best friend. Allan Walker. She's Leenalee Walker now. Probably carrying his child...Tohru – I..._can't._"

As quickly as he held her, he'd let her go. Taking a deep breath, he lifted her up, bridal style. This was just to much. To much to fast. Why of all days did he have to think of _her_?! Leenalee. The bitch who'd stolen his heart. Stolen it, lied to it and crushed it to dust in her blood red hands. Roughly picking up his novel, he went to toss it back into his bag when the photo he used as a bookmark fluttered out...

Right by Tohru's foot...

As if in slow motion, she picked it up and looked at it. Frozen, Lavi couldn't move. Couldn't speak. The picture was gently worn, a corner missing, smudged with his finger prints putting it in and pulling it out of whatever book he was reading. The photo was still legible.

Azure eyes met moss green...

….a smile that made his whole world alight, fell...

A heart of stone cracked...

Tohru asked the one question Lavi dreaded to answer...the one question he _couldn't _answer...the one question that could ruin _everything. _

"Lavi...why...do you have a photo of...me...?"

Time itself stood still. A hush of wind blew through the campsite, the flames reaching towards him as if to devour him. Right in this moment, he wished to god that the maw of Hell itself opened. That the Earl came and claimed his soul for an Akuma...anything but this. Anything but seeing the fearful confusion in her azure eyes. No longer shining with joy, but with unshed tears and unmasked fear...


	16. Friendly advice

He'd tried. Innocence above how he'd tried! When the question passed her lips, he froze. Unable to answer, he could only reach out his hands, pleading for her understanding. She would sit there with this light and patients in her eyes. A small smile on her face. And yet – _the words would not come. _ Countless times, he'd start to write it down, then toss it, not knowing what to say. Countless times he'd sit and look at her photo, trying to understand, not knowing what to do.

When they returned home from the beach, their lives continued as normal. School for her, work for him...everyone living as they should. Lavi got off work before she was done with her club duties, so he'd meet her. A couple of times, he went and her friends Uo and Hana came and walked with them home. After the third time of getting the cold shoulder, he understood. Maybe it was a little petty, but he decided then and there that he would not chase her. Walking his normal pace, he soon passed them. Over taking them, he walked all the way home, his mind desperately clinging to other things. His new book, the new shoes he'd need – his boss didn't really go for the boots – running shoes. He'd sometimes see Kyo run by as he made himself a box lunch. Maybe the orange haired man could use a partner. He'd have to ask.

Once at the door, Lavi stopped and waited, eyes straight ahead. When Tohru and her two friends came to the door, the three stopped and all four stood there. A heavy silence weighed down on the group. Hana seemed lost in some happy day dream – muttering "electric waves" here and there. Uo stared the red head down and Tohru just looked at her feet, shoulders down.

"Hey, Carrot Top!"

"What?!"

Kyo popped his head out the door and frowned at the sight before him. Yuki, Haru, Hatori and Kyo himself all knew and understood what was going on. Hatori had explained it after Kyo had to be pinned so he wouldn't punch Lavi out for being a stalker. That being said, all four men agreed to not say a word of it until Lavi was ready. Even then they'd choose their own on, whom to believe. Nodding, Kyo immediately understood this situation. Sighing, he turned to Uo.

"Lavi and Tohru had a … falling out. _Don't ask._ But ever since he'd got here, he always let Tohru in the door first...he still sticks to it – uselessly I might add! - but he said that his – father, Lavi?"

At the nod from the still as a statue red head, Kyo continued.

"His father – taught him to respect women. So...no matter what happens, he does...Ya' my as well just come in, he isn't gonna move until you do. And I'm starving so..."

The last bit was said with a growl accompanied by a growl from his stomach. Each woman looping their arms through Tohru's, they set forward. Only to stop in front of Lavi. Roughly Uo grabbed his chin. About to say something, she stopped when she looked into his green eyes. Lavi was unsure what made her drop his chin, but she did so – a tad painfully! - and looked him right in the eye. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper.

"You hurt her red head...and you're _dead. _Got that."

Not a question. A statement. A threat. One Lavi let slide but took to heart. When he spoke, his voice was monotone, dull and lifeless.

"Don't worry...I won't be hurting her again."

Before the angry blonde could ask what happened the first time, Kyo came and pushed them indoors, groaning about dinner and how he hoped it wasn't leeks. Hatori was cooking. Shutting the door behind the women, he waited a few breaths then spoke, softly. Lavi could barely hear.

"Look. Just...try writing a letter. I find that works when you need to confess something. When I effed things up with Kagura really bad, I wrote a letter telling her what I couldn't say in words. Hatori helped me. The words were my own, he just put them...properly. He's having tea in Shigure's office, that dumb ass is in town with his editor. The view of the rock garden is beautiful! I suggest going to check it out..."

That said, Kyo stepped in, leaving the door open behind him. Smiling a little for the first time in three days, Lavi nodded and scrubbed his hands through his hair.

_I got your hint loud and clear Kyo...your kind way of saying "Get your ass in gear and fix it, you damned idiot!" Right. So...talking to Hatori it is..._

Mind made up, Lavi stepped in and headed to Shigure's office. Enough was enough. Now was the time to fix this, once and for all. His insides melted in fear of what he had to do. Making a detour to his room, he grabbed the one thing that would solidify his honesty...the one thing that could very well make his whole plan blow up right back into his face...


	17. In ink, as in heart

Stepping downstairs, Lavi walked slowly down each step. His boots a dull thud, heart pounding into his ears, he took a deep breath and stepped down. The loose orange scarf he wore around his neck seemed to choke. The coat – black with red trim and gold buttons, the white pants, it all used to feel like a second skin for him. Now all of it, all of the clothes of his past seemed to constrict. To choke as if to rebel his wearing him after these past months. His one regret – for now, besides what he'd done to Tohru – was missing Big Hammer, Little Hammer...the weight of it against his leg was comforting. Safe. Seeing as it wasn't here with him, he'd have to make do and be done with it.

Down the hall way, to Shigure's office. When he knocked on the door, a soft voice called him to enter. Stepping in, the red head looked Hatori right in the eye. Noting another presence, he didn't pay them much mind.

"Lavi...what...? Why are you wearing your old uniform? How did you get one? I thought that they took it?"

"They took my innocence, my home, my family, their love, my job..._my life. _They will _not_ take away my _choice. _I chose to keep this as a piece of my past. When I have said my say, I will burn it and renounce the Rose Cross and the Black Order. It's...meant to be this way. But to say what I need to say..."

Loosing all his nerve, Lavi fell to his knees and unbuttoned his jacket. Removing the jacket, scarf and pants (he'd carried down jeans!) he neatly folded them and placed them in the middle of the table. His hands shook as he set them down. These were pieces of his past. Who he was. With a sigh, he ran his hands through his fiery hair.

"Except...I don't know what to say..."

Silence filled the room for a few moments. Hatori lit a cigarette and tapped the ashes into the ashtray. Kyo was right...the view was amazing! As he looked out, a calmness seemed to come through him. Mind made up, he decided he _would _write to Tohru. Everything. About his past, how he felt, what was going through his mind. All of it. Nodding, Lavi stood and ran for the door. As he dashed out of the room, he noticed a flash _of white hair. _So intent on his goal however, it did not register.

He would regret it later...

Upstairs in his room, grabbing a piece of paper, Lavi sat down and wrote. Wrote of what he felt. What happened in the past, why he was here...why he had her photo.

_Tohru,_

_Allow me a moment of your precious time to read what I have to say. In words, I cannot find what I need to say, but in writing I can allow myself a certain...freedom. I pray that these words do not hurt. But...that day on the beach, when you found the photo of you that I had...well – this is why. And I pray that you understand. _

_I have already told you of the Black Order and of my ex-lover Leenalee Lee (now Walker) – how she married my ex-best friend Allan Walker. The day of their wedding rehearsal, I received a mission – a job if you will – to go on. But it was a ruse. The Vatican church is the one that controls the whole of the Black Order, but my boss Kamoui Lee (Mrs. Walker's brother) told me not to tell them. In that quiet way, I was kicked out of the wedding because of my past with Walker and his wife. In that quiet way, I was cast aside, stripped of who and what I was. The day that I found out they were going to wed, I ran into a woman that looked just like you, dear Tohru. I later figured out that it was just Leenalee in a disguise. A clever ruse to get me to come to Japan and out of Europe. Shigure was chosen because the head of the Sohma's – Akito – Is a supporter of the Order. I do not know the deals he has made. Nor does that matter. The reason I was kicked out of the Order was because of my past with the bride and bride groom. _

_Cruel as this is. It is what it is. Please do not mistake this as ignorance or apathy on my part. I have just chosen to give up that piece of my life. At this moment, I choose not to delve to deep, but in time, I will answer any questions you have. In time, dearest Tohru. In time..._

_That aside..._

_I wanted to tell you...Tohru, the words are here, I just need too...__Tohru, I just wanted to say that I am sorry. Please understand that I myself do not understand the situation as to what's going on myself. And I am the cause of it! All I know is that I am happy. When you are by my side, I can't help but be entranced by your beauty. The way your azure eyes shine when you smile. The way __the sun hits your hair just right so it shines like a halo..._

_Not just your beauty either, dear Tohru. The whole of you is so amazing. You're tender and caring, you give and give yet are so reluctant to take. That day at Akito's...you found out something about me that...to this day, you still haven't breathed a word. That's just a shred as to how amazing you are. The fact that you haven't pestered me about it...the fact that you're there is...beyond comforting. _

_In light of what happened...I just want you to know that I am here for you. I always will be. I know the photo really scared you but I can assure you, I am no stalker. The reason I had the photo, not my own doing. I really hope that we can figure this out, if you'd just talk to me in person. Please Tohru. _

_Your smile and patient looks are agony. You are sad inside, I can see it. I want nothing more then to hold you in my arms and take away the pain I have caused you. To make you laugh, like you used to. Smile like that time at the beach when I couldn't get the sun lotion bottle open! Tohru...I want to make you happy...!_

_I'll be outside, burning my exorcist uniform. The choice is yours...but...I will not wait forever. I have hurt you and for that I am eternally sorry. Hurting one as amazing as you...I regret it every second. Every breath I take, it will be a whispered apology until the day you say you forgive me. Until then, dear Tohru..._

_In ink, as in heart..._

_Lavi Bookman._

Letter folded, he tucked it under her door and stepped outside. What he saw on the steps stopped him cold. His heart pounding in his ears, unable to breathe. Lavi fell to his knees and gasped, his voice holding all the anger and pain, the countless hours of agony he carried.

"What the hell are _you _doing here..."


	18. Here I stand

Before him stood one of his past. The one who he'd given his heart too. His love too. The one who he had sworn he'd love forever.

_Forever sure as hell came fast..._

Smiling at himself bitterly, Lavi ran a hand through his hair and sat down on the wooden walkway behind him. Looking at the hand resting on her stomach, he couldn't help the surge of disgust that coursed through him. Although it was wrong, he still felt angry. Like he was cheated of something extremely important.

"You and Allan sure as hell didn't waste time...I'd ask when it's due but that would mean I actually care..."

Blue eyes flashed in anger and she took a step closer. Everything was happening so fast. He'd finally found a life here. He was working, he was happy...hell he even had a mind to look at collages! Sit Shigure down and talk about possibly staying awhile longer while he went to school and furthered his education.

Not to mention Tohru... just at the thought of her, he felt warmth and a sense of rightness. Before he could delve further into his feelings, soft laughter interrupted him.

"Mmm, and you _do _care...don't you, Lavi."

Jumping from his seat, he stalked over to the small garden shed, looking for gasoline to alight his clothes. He needed to get rid of his past. Rid of the clothes, the memories, all of it. Purify them in flames. Grabbing the can, he dumped the contents onto his clothes. He was about to light a match when boots on wood sounded.

Turning to look over his shoulder, Lavi only had a moment to jump out of the way before Allan charged at him.

"Innocence activate!"

A white cloak flew behind Allan, his eyes covered by a mask, leaving only his lower face exposed. Rolling out of the way, Lavi reached to his leg. Only to remember in horror that Big Hammer Little Hammer was still gone. Cursing, fear rushed through him in waves. He didn't have his innocence. But he wasn't alone. Far from it in fact.

Taking a fighting stance, he gasped in shock as a two forms came and stood beside him. Red and purple eyes met green as the three men took their stand. He wasn't alone. Kyo and Yuki at his side, they might have a shot...Leenalee seemed reluctant to fight in her condition. He hoped to hell he was right.

"You two – Allan is using his innocence...it's not going to be a fair fight. Run while you can. Grab the others and Tohru – keep her safe!"

Yuki merely shook his head, but Kyo laughed. When he opened his eyes again, they flashed with anger. Anger and a twisted sort of pleasure.

"Fuck that, Flame Head! You may be a freak...but you're family. Tohru loves you, we love Tohru so we're gonna stay beside you until our last breath. They have no damn right coming to our home and attacking our friend. Ya' here that you bastards!? This is our home!"

Shock raced through Lavi at Kyo's words. Tohru..._loved _him? Then it hit him, a ton of bricks right to his heart. Of course she loved him. Just like she loved Kyo, Yuki, Shigure – all the Sohma's. A family. You love family.

Angerly wiping a stray tear off of his cheeks, Lavi got ready for the fight of his life. A soft wind blew through the yard...something landed at his feet. His orange scarf. The one that Bookman had given him. No matter what battle he fought, he wore it. No matter what happened. It was always there...

Picking it up once again, he wrapped it around his neck. Striking a match, he tossed it on the pile of clothes on the ground. As if that was a signal, Allan renewed his attack. With a cry, they jumped towards each other. The ground below his feet seemed non existent. Just air. With a grin, Lavi rushed head long towards his old friend. Adrenaline raced through his veins. This was war...and he was going to win.

_Be safe Tohru...when this is all over, I will come find you and explain everything..._

That last thought in mind, Lavi and Allan collided crashing to the ground, Yuki and Kyo were swept away by a sweep of his cloak. Pain lanced down Lavi's side and he knew that something broke. But he had to keep going. To give up now would be to do worse then fail. To give up now would be to toss his whole life away...to die.

Pushing Allan off, Lavi stood and wiped sweat off his forehead. Exorcist and ex-exorcist stood facing each other...two men facing off, each fighting the same battle. One knowing they will loose. The war and possibly their life. The other, knowing and over sure that he will win.

Allan's goal was to drag Lavi back to the Black Order..._dead _or alive. Lavi's presence was needed so he could destroy his own innocence. To defeat the Earl, Allan had to be stronger. He had to absorb Lavi's innocence...

For Lavi, he knew none of this. He simply knew that it was time to fight and protect thoughs he loved. Kyo and Yuki were injured...possibly dead. Standing tall, Lavi bowed. In that one bow was a promise. That he would win and be let to live. In that promise was a threat. Allan and Leenalee would not leave this night alive...

_Say goodbye, as we dance with the devil tonight.  
Don't you dare look at him in the eye, as we dance with the devil tonight..._

_**A/N: I do not own the lines from the song Dance with the devil from Breaking Benjamin. The story I do. I hope this chapter makes seance, it will all further be explained...IF Lavi lives to explain it...**_


	19. There's no going back

Facing Allan, Lavi again took a fighting stance. Behind him, he could hear the rustle of bushes. Kyo and Yuki were alive then? He hoped this was true. He could really use their help...

A maniacal laughter escaped passed Allan's lips. The fire in his eyes was sick and twisted. His drive to defeat the Earl was so strong that he would use anyone too get to his goal. His own friends, strangers...even his own _wife? _Would he go so far as to use his own unborn child as his means to an end? An uncertain end. Blocking a kick and swiping aside Clown Belt, the red head gasped. This was to much. Already tired from his long day before, he couldn't keep this up. Physically, emotionally, he was drained.

_Wouldn't you like to just sit down and rest some day, Lavi? Just...take a day for yourself, _read_ a book, go for a bike ride, a run, a walk even?_

Fear lanced through him at the memory of Tohru's question. Here he was battling one of his own...and her words were the one thing that seemed to race through his mind. Again that laughter rang out, forcing him to focus on the here and now.

"Afraid to dance with the devil, Lavi? Afraid you'll loose?"

Swiping a hand across his lips, he glared at the man before him. Physically he looked strong as – if not stronger – then Lavi. But he knew that deep down, there was a scared little child doing the best he could. All of this weight was planted on his shoulders as that of the Chosen One. In his tiny body he cared the 19th Noah.

But...

Did all of that really matter? Did his past really matter to him anymore? He didn't have his innocence. He was no longer an exorcist, so why was it being forced into his life so abruptly in the form of his ex best friend and his ex lover? They should have just let it lie. Forget the earl, forget everything and just _live! _

"Why are you here, Allan! Why did you drag your wife, your unborn child all the way out here to fight me? What do you want? I do not belong in that old life anymore. You, Leenalee and Kamoui kicked me out. B-Bookman...he too did. You guys -"

A jagged breath ripped out of his lungs as he tried to breathe. All of the memories washed over him. The countless missions, countless lives they saved and thoughs they could not. All his time with Bookman. With the people of the Order. All of it...memories he would hold dear, but memories he had to let go.

Unwinding the scarf around his neck, Lavi raced towards Allan. A roar escaped his lips as he tried too feign to the left. Kicking out, Allan caught his ankle just as he turned right, and Lavi was tripped to the ground. He slid and stopped right before the pile of his burning exorcists uniform. Something caught his eye. Just as his pants leg charred away to ash, the handle of Big Hammer, Little Hammer caught his attention.

_What...is that...doing here?_

Attached was a note, miraculously saved from the flames. Knowing it would hurt like _hell _the red head took a deep breath and thrust his hands into the flames. At first they just licked at him, like a dog sniffing at an outstretched hand. Then they started to burn. Gasping, he pulled his hands back and had to rip off the leather straps and band aids. Raw red marks on his hands and wrists glowed angerly at him. And he couldn't grin any wider or his face would split into to.

In his hands was one of his most prized possessions. Big Hammer Little Hammer.

A roar behind him once again dragged him to the here and now. Standing and spinning on his toes, he brought the hammer up to meet his attacker.

"Innocence, activate!"

A rush of pride and pure joy raced through him as his innocence responded. He swung his growing hammer in a wide arch, gathering all of his strength. Expecting it to be Allan at the other end of his hammer, he thought nothing of how hard he was to hit. Instead, when his hammer struck, he heard a female gasp. In horror, he turned to look and noticed Leenalee crumpled on the ground at his feet.

Forcing himself to plant his feet firmly to the ground, Lavi looked on in horror at what he'd just done. Leenalee lay in a crumpled bleeding mess, clutching her stomach. He hoped to god the child would live. Hardening his heart to stone, Lavi knew he could not just stand there and waste time. Allan still needed to be taken care of. As he turned too look for his enemy, he heard a wail behind him. Turning, he gasped in shock at what he was witnessing.

Allan knelt on the ground, holding Leenalee to his chest. Leaning down, he was whispering to her frantically but Lavi couldn't make out what exactly was being said. Raising his hammer again in the air, he prepared for the final blow.

"Fire Seal!"

Anger washed through him. Anger at the whole situation he found himself in. He'd just wanted to forget the whole thing. Just be left alone and left to live! Right on the heels of the anger was the sadness and pain. This whole situation was laughable. Honestly...with the plan he had in mind...it was all going to end...very soon...

"Innocence, activate! Fire seal!"

With one last look, Lavi watched in horror at what he saw. It was too late to stop his Seal now...to late too stop what he'd started. And the one whom he held most dear was going to pay the ultimate price. Reaching out a hand and screaming her name, tears raced down his cheeks unchecked. Flames engulfed the area around him until he could see no more. Her name left his lips in a ragged scream of a feral animal. Trapped and unable to escape.

"Tohru...""


	20. Nightmare

_Dust from which we were creating, so to dust we return..._

_Ashes to Ashes, Dust to dust._

_May God have mercy on your soul._

All he could feel was numb. He liked this feeling. It made him feel safe. Like all of this was just one big lie. That life didn't spit in his face and kick him where it hurts repeatedly. As he sat there and watched her coffin be lowered into the ground, his only thought was:

_This isn't what she'd want. She wanted to be scattered among the Sakura trees she loved so much..._

His mind laughed at him, like a sick joke, the memories washed over him. The trees burning, her running towards him, hand out reached. He'd done this. It was his fault. Those around him made damn good and sure he'd known it too. Yuki refused to even look at him, let alone punch him like he deserved. Kyo had beaten him to a bloody pulp – Lavi didn't even fight back. He deserved every blow. Rubbing his side, he grimaced in pain but didn't move when Tohru's friends Hana and Uo approached. Both dressed in the black of mourning.

"Hey, Flame Head! What the hell do you think you're doing here!"

Not even raising a hand to block the punch, he can already feel the wind of her fist. On impact, though it hurts like _hellfire – _he can't help but nod. She had said her piece and that was all she was allotted to. Although his fault, he was an a punching bag. Tightening his leather wristbands and grabbing his sunglasses off the ground, he picks up the rose he was carrying and gently kisses the sweet petals.

Walking over to the coffin, he lay the black rose down in a bed of red roses. Black...just like his heart...

That day, almost a month ago...it would forever be burned in his mind. Forever frozen, forever stuck. And that would be his price to pay. No charges were filed, he did not go to jail. The Sohma's kicked him out of their home, the Order blamed him for Leenalee's severe injuries. He was still not allowed back.

Not that he'd want to go anyways. Now here in Japan where he'd thought he'd have a life, he didn't. All of his options were cut off from him. No where to go. Tonight would be the night he would end it. He'd already made a deal with Akito. Akito would keep his innocence, Hatori would help him with his leaving this world. What happened after was of little consequence to him.

The head of the Sohma family seemed all to happy to help. When Lavi had gone and fallen to his knees before him, seeking immediate release, Akito at first refused. Told him to suffer, just as he. He must have seen something in Lavi's eyes...or realized that he would gain something for himself...because soon after, he'd had Hatori come in and sedate Lavi. After Lavi had awoken, he'd agreed.

All of this passed through Lavi's mind as he stared at the coffin holding Tohru. A shadow of a bitter smile passed his lips. He actually believed he loved this woman. He'd tried so hard to save her from his past. In the end, he'd killed her. But...in the end was it all worth it? He'd sold his soul to the devil...now when he died, he'd go to Hell.

_Right where I belong..._

Turning his back on the mound of dirt that covered his heart, his soul, his _everything _Lavi walked towards the waiting limo. He had no more use to be here in Japan. To be here in this world.

The drive to Akito's was long and agonizing. Each mile seemed thousands. Each minute, hours. Finally when they got there, Hatori opened his door and grabbed him roughly, dragging him towards his clinic. Once inside, the dark haired doctor tossed him against a wall and punched the space right beside his head.

"Are you an idiot?! Why the _hell _would you toss away your life! She tried to _save _you! She _loved _you! Does that mean nothing to you? Are you so lost in yourself that you'll end your life too? For what. You think that you'll see her in heaven and be reunited?"

"I am not going to heaven. And besides, I am doing what you were to cowardly to do. I am taking myself away from this world so I will not hurt anyone else I love. That day...that day – the last thing I saw was her face. Her fear. Right then and there, I knew with certainty that I loved her. And look what happened, Hatori. _Look what happened! I killed her!"_

Ripping off his wristbands, Lavi showed the doctor the angry red welts there. Fresh blood oozed out as they reached the air.

"No matter what happens...she's there. Always there! Her scent is stuck in my nose, her name on my heart. Her voice in my ears! I see a beautiful woman and I wish to _god it was her!_ I can't live with this guilt any longer! End it! Do what you promised! Beat me to near death, I don't care – I don't feel anything! My nerves are so raw, they're _dead! _ I've cried so much tears, I've ran out! I have nothing left. Nothing. Left. This world isn't the same without her, Hatori. You...You of all people should know..."

The last of his strength spent, Lavi fell to his knees, then to his side. Curling like a child with a sick stomach, he didn't care that he had a runny nose and his eyes were betraying his lie. His heart was broken, his mind shattered, his spirit flayed. Reaching in his pocket for his old lover, he rolled up his sleeve. If Hatori wouldn't do it, he'd do it himself. He already knew where to cut...

_Lavi! Lavi...don't! Wake up! _

Maniacal laughter burst passed his lips. He was so torn by his grief, he heard her voice! How he wished his flames had consumed him that day along with her...

_Lavi...wake up! It's Tohru...Kyo...Yuki...Hatori...we're ….all – just wake up!_

Reaching out a hand, Lavi could feel something lightly brush against it. Disgusting smells reached his nose, when he looked Hatori was gone. Tears sprang to his eyes once again when he saw who stood there...

_Beep...Beep...Beep..._


	21. Of sponge baths and kisses

Unable to speak, all he could do is stare. Trying to shake the last of the dream from his mind, Lavi tried to sit up more and gasped in pain when he put weight on his hands. Looking down, he noticed bandages covered his hands. Gently lifting the sheets – he was grateful to see he was still in his boxers! - he noticed from his ankles to his knees were covered in band aids as well.

_Did my own fire do this? _

"After you pulled out that huge hammer thing and screamed like a banshee, the male grabbed the female and opened this green...light...thing. The two stepped in and were gone. The man left this note behind. Your fire died down and we found you kneeling on the ground, Tohru in your arms. Your body covered her from the worst of the burns...your legs and hands were severely burned, the rest of your body, you'll need to apply burn cream too. I'm sure – some one – can help you..."

Hatori's grin at Lavi and look at Tohru caused the two to blush deeply. Before anyone could say anything, a white head popped through the door and grinned like a fool.

"Don't forget the sponge bath! That's very important! Some one will need to give it to him, hm Tohru?"

"Aah! H-Haru...I...can't! I...can't he get a nurse – oh no that wouldn't work! Or – oh! How about Hatori! He can! Or...!"

Laughing, Haru went over to Tohru and hugged her close. Lavi was too speechless to move let alone speak. The idea of Tohru's tiny hands on his body...her having to give him a sponge bath...! Ringing the bell for the nurse, he decided to put a stop to this line of thought before his nose bled.

"Yes, mister Bookman...?"

Scratching the back of his head, the red head didn't know what to ask, he just needed a distraction. Much to his dismay – Haru spoke up yet again.

"Ah nurse – lady! Our injured friend here wants to know if you would be so kind as too teach our sweet Tohru here to give him a sponge bath. You see...we all live in the same house – but, other then our sweet Tohru – we're all males..."

A Cheshire grin followed his statement. Looking at the group in the room, the nurse grinned her own smile and ushered out everyone but Tohru. As Haru left, he grinned and waggled his eye brows suggestively at Lavi. The injured man could only blush as red as his hair. Shifting uncomfortably under his blankets, he was again grateful that he had _some _covering.

That gratefulness was short lived however, when the nurse – still grinning! Why wont she stop!? - came over and peeled back the blankets. Seeing his bandaged legs, Lavi had to turn and look away. His legs...he needed them. If they were badly burned, what would he do? What if he couldn't support himself or go back to work at the bookstore?! What if Akito kicked him out of Shigure's?! So many what ifs!

A cool wash cloth against his forehead made him focus again on what was going on. Tohru was giving him a sponge bath...her tiny hands gently wiped down his cheeks...lips...closed eye lids...down to his neck...over his shoulders. He could hear her gasp when she rinsed out the cloth. It was then that he realized his heart monitor was beeping like some possessed machine. Beside them the nurse gave him a knowing grin.

"It's alright Tohru...Lavi is just enjoying his sponge bath...You need me to take over while you watch?"

Before Tohru could so much as say something, Lavi reached out his bandaged hand and lay it against the only place he could reach without ripping out the I.V tubes. Her hip. Trying to ignore the heart monitor beating faster still, Lavi looked her right in the eye.

"Tohru...this...calms me...I had a -dream if you will – where you...where you died. I killed you Tohru. My fire seal burned you alive..."

"Lavi? Lavi, you're crying!"

Reaching up automatically, he gasped in pain at his burned hands, then sighed in contentment as warmth rushed through him. Her gentle fingers brushed away his tears. Letting his hands rest against the sheets of the bed, his breath became ragged in his chest.

_What the hell is she doing to me...! Just her touch...! _

Before he could stop her, Tohru had begun to undo his bandages on his legs. Her tiny hands gently gripped his ankle and under his knee, bending his leg. Her touch was so feather light...so soft. He could feel a blush racing up his neck to his face.

"I just...can't...get that dream out of my head...you were dead, Tohru...the fire - !"

Before he could say anything else, she pressed two fingers gently to his lips. Her azure eyes looked sad and scared...but determined.

"You did not burn me. You yourself are not severely burned...you'll need help to walk around for a week or two – Hatori took care of your work already – I'm here, as is Kyo, Yuki and Haru said he's coming to stay with us for awhile to help you out with other – he called it _man stuff _ - dressing and such. For now...you'll just have to put up with me."

So caught up in her words, he didn't realize the sponge bath was over until the nurse smiled and took away the water, with a bow. Taking a deep breath, he tried to build up the nerve to look down at his hands and legs. Tohru was still leaning against the bed, so he leaned against her, his head to her shoulder, back to her chest. With one last look into her eyes, he looked down at his hands...

His legs...

And gasped at what he saw. Perfect. Except for redness and a little swelling, his hands and legs were really smooth and looked well. To relieved to come up with a leg wax joke, he leaned back against Tohru and hummed a tune from long ago. A far away place with an angel singing a lullaby for a lost friend...

"Lavi, that's beautiful...where's it from?"

"Mmm, it's from long ago when I used to be apart of the Order..."

Gasping, he could feel her tiny fingers against his stomach. Looking down, he could only watch as she slowly buttoned each button in his shirt, leaving the top two undone. Gently she took her hands in his, softly he hummed the song from his past. The only noises that interrupted this moment was his sharp gasp when she gently lay his hands in the medicine. She'd just bent over too lay his hand on the towel to drip dry when he turned to ask her a question. They were so close, Lavi could feel her soft breath against his lips...leaning a little more in, he gently brushed his lips against hers. One little kiss. He felt her hands come up and grip his shirt. Wrapping his arm around her, careful for his hand, he was about to kiss her again when laughter rang out. Quickly he scrambled to cover himself up, looking up in horror as to who stood at the door.

Leaning against the door jam stood Haru Sohma. The biggest most cheesiest grin ever to grace his handsome face. Then he had to open his not so handsome mouth...

"So ah...what's goin' on here. I saw that lip-lock! Way to go, Lavi! Even injured you can still get it on...!"

Blushing as red as his hair, Lavi schooched over on the bed and pat beside him. Running into the room, Haru belly flopped at the end of the bed, jolting Tohru as she went to sit beside Lavi. Instead of sitting beside him, she landed against his chest. Laughing, he wrapped his arm around her waist and held her close.

Although his body hurt and stung like hellfire, right now in this moment, he was able to chase the fog of the dream away...


	22. Cruel realizations

_If this kid stares at me and makes a funny face one more time...I swear to god!_

Jumping as arms wrapped around his waist, Lavi tried to unwind them and shove them away. Soft laughter behind him tickled his neck, causing him to shiver. Anger flashed through him at Haru's actions. Hatori had been called away for an emergency with Akito and Lavi's bike didn't hold three passengers, so they were forced to take the cities transit system. Now normally, Lavi didn't mind traveling on transit. He wouldn't mind if Tohru was here...it was just Haru...and his antics...in public...

Because of his legs, Lavi had to be wheeled out of the wheelchair. Haru scooped him up supporting his legs and back, then walked out like he owned the place. A red faced Tohru following close behind. And if that wasn't bad enough, he carried him on the bus and sat down, holding him on his lap like a child! Lavi could see Haru wanting to help...but did he have to be so _smug _about it!?

"Now, Lavi...stop squirming, or you'll hurt your booboos and Tohru will have too strip you right on the bus..."

Trying so hard to not laugh, Lavi stood up and sat down beside Tohru. When Haru shook his head and reached out to him, Lavi slapped his hands away and grimacing at the pain wrapped his arm around Tohru.

"Lavi?!"

"You can cuddle here with me, Tohru...if that's alright?"

Seeing her blush and hearing his name pass her lips in a surprised whisper...he was happy he wasn't still connected to the heart monitor...!

"No, Haru – you're gonna traumatize that little kid for life...we don't want that."

Tohru giggled at her own joke, not realizing it was a tad rude. Not wanting to squash her good mood, the red head looked at his white haired friend and laughed. Haru's attempt at pretending to be hurt was pathetically sad. When Tohru looked to him, he put on his puppy sad eyes and quivered his bottom lip. Tears sprang into her eyes as she tried too apologize. Waving a hand in dismissal, Haru leaned forward and kissed her on the cheek. Before realizing what he was doing, Lavi held her a little closer and caught himself just before he glared at Haru with a Death Stare. A strange look from his friend made Lavi blush and look away muttering.

"Lavi...Lavi...Lavi...it's not like I'm trying to steal your girl!"

About to say something, Lavi hissed in pain as the bus hit a bump. Standing, Haru yanked the bell-chain to get the bus to stop, helped Tohru up and grabbed Lavi, tossing him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

"Hey?! Hey! Haru! You don't have to make it like I'm your bride – princess you just stole...!"

"You said it, not me! Witness, Tohru!"

Her sweet laughter only made Lavi blush more red. Slamming his knees once more into Haru's chest, he sighed and slumped down. His first plan failed, but he planned on making himself as heavy as possible. That had to work! Didn't it...?

"Haru...I have no words. Just...what am I to say to this? People are staring at us! It's bad enough you wanted to put me in a wagon, never mind you wanting to put me in a stroller...! I am _not even gonna go there! _My legs are _burned_ but I can walk! My hands are burned but I can still stand! Just...put me down!"

Sensing his friends anger, Haru put Lavi down. Although his legs pained him greatly and his hands still felt like they were on fire, he still took a step forward. This whole thing was ridiculous! Once back at the house, he slammed his way upstairs and to the bathroom. Knowing what he was doing was probably _not _a good idea, Lavi ran a bath anyways. When he was this ….. _beyond angry! _….a bath was the only thing to calm him down.

Sighing, he let the water run and prepared for his bath. Thoughts swirled through his mind. Angry, bitter thoughts. Filled with hate that he knew wasn't warranted. The tub filled, he shut off the water. Angry pounding on the door soon came. Assuming it was Haru, he just ignored it. Just then, a soft voice ice cold came through the door.

"Open this door or Kyo will kick it down."

"Fuck off, Yuki! You two, Cat Lady!"

"Hey! Just because that _one time...!_"

"Shut up and just kick the door, you two! If he gets his burns in the water he's going to be in excruciating pain!"

Loud slams sounded and the door burst open on it's slide. Hatori came rushing in and stared him down. The doctors eyes shone with anger. And … pity? Why would he pity Lavi...?

"You're being a dumbass. And a child. You _know _what water will do. So why wold you do it. Hm? You think we want to sit here and listen to your screams? Sit and watch as you - !"

Not able to finish the sentence, Hatori punched the wall beside him, his breathing ragged. Lavi's mind wasn't in the here and now, it was in that dream, that moment where he summoned his Seal and burned it all to ash. Miraculously everyone and the house was saved...but he'd killed the grass and trees around the yard.

"I hurt Tohru. Allan and Leenalee got away. They wont stop hunting me until I give them what they want. But all of that doesn't matter...you know what really matters? _I put Tohru in danger! I love her and I tried to kill her!"_

Tears rained down his cheeks and onto the bathmat below his feet. Lavi's whole body shook and self – pity welled up inside him. Before he could so much as turn towards the tub, Hatori took a step forward and punched him clean across the jaw. Pushing Lavi against the wall, he used his weight to hold him there and began to unbotton his shirt. Fed up with the buttons, he ripped off the shirt instead, then dove for the red heads pants. So caught off guard, Lavi could only stare, breathless.

_What the hell is he doing?!_

Kyo and Yuki stood there, Haru peeked in and cursed, then ran down the hall to stop Tohru from coming in the bathroom. Standing there in his boxers before this mad man, Lavi felt true fear. All of this started off as his being a stubborn child, refusing to face things like the man he was. How in the _hell _did it turn out like _this?! _

"Hatori, get the hell off me! I'm not like that!"

Hatori only scoffed and grabbed the hair at the back of his neck, pulling his face close. Nose to nose, the two men stared at each other a moment. One a scared little child, the other a fierce dragon, ready to go for the kill.

"You wanna go for a bath? _Fine. _Go! I wont stop you! You'll blister and bleed, be in aggonizing pain and scream. Tohru will want to rush in and help but Haru will hold her back, by _any means neccisary. _You say you love her, but look what you're putting her through! You're not a man! You're a child! So go! Go for a bath, child! Scrub your raw skin and feel the pain you so deserve!"

Before he could so much as blink, Lavi was once again lifted on a mans shoulders and tossed towards the tub. He _just _managed to get his feet out in time to stop his landing in water. Just seeing the steam rise off the liqued wanted to make him hurl in fear. His whole body shook as Hatori leaned his weight against him. Looking to Kyo and Yuki for help, they did nothing. Yuki walked away and Kyo's gaze fell to the floor. With one last effort, Lavi pushed against the doctor and both fell to the ground. Sitting up, he tried to stand without using his hands. Much to his shock, Kyo came and kneeling, wrapped his arms around his waist and helped him up. Lavi could feel his sigh against the back of his neck.

"You're being an ass. You say you love her? Prove it."

Shoving Kyo off, Lavi stomped out of the bathroom. Behind him, he could hear the sounds of the tub being drained and the bathroom righted. In his mind, he screamed. He'd almost killed Tohru. And for what?! Allan and Leenalee escaped! She still carried Allan's sick and twisted offspring! No matter what he did, they knew where to find him. But he had his innocence back. This time, he'd be ready. This time he wouldn't burn the place to the ground, trying for the cowards way out.

_Hold an angel to loose, it flies away in the wind...to tight and you crush it's delicate wings...just right, and you've a miracle and a beauty_ _beyond measure..._

In the short time he'd known the Sohma's and Tohru, they'd become family. Kyo, Yuki and Haru his brothers...Tohru – his angel...his angel, whom he loved more then life itself. His angel whom he'd do anything for, just to see her smile...hear her laugh! His angel whom he'd do anything for, just to be at her side...

Taking the stairs, he found her in the rock garden and fell to his knees at her feet, warm tears falling down his face. When next Lavi spoke, his voice was horse with emotion, raw with realization of what he'd done.

"Tohru..."


	23. Damn It Haru!

When she crossed her arms across her chest and turned, Lavi felt his heart break into tiny pieces. Standing to his feet, he knew better then to reach out with his hands...so instead he reached out with his words.

"Tohru...I..."

For a moment, he tried to get what was in his head out passed his lips. With a soft sigh, he ran his hands through his hair and tried again.

"Tohru...I have some things to say and you may not like it...but...here goes. That day that Leenalee came...well, you know our past. She...and Allan – her husband – want me to come back and steal my innocence and my weapon...Big Hammer Little Hammer...they want my Innocence to defeat the Earl. To get that – they need to kill me...that's why they were here.

They think that to get to me, they need to kill you. They know that if you are hurt in anyway, I'll fight to the death to defend you...or get my revenge for your murder..."

Just saying the word _murder _had him gasping for breath. The thought flashed through his mind...Allan stood there, Lavi's flames behind him, a wicked grin on his face. He reaches out his hand of innocence and gently strokes her cheek. Lavi doesn't have to go any closer to know she's dead...

"I can't let that happen. That's why I used my fire...I was hoping to kill Allan and Leenalee. To st-!"

Before he could say anymore, she turned and slapped him right across the face. Frozen in shock, Lavi could only stare. Her azure eyes were hard as granite, tears streaming down her face. When she spoke, her voice was a whisper.

"You're such an idiot, Lavi!"

Before he could stop her, she slapped him again. Frustrated, Lavi growled and wrapped his arms tightly around her. Tohru managed too wiggle a little loose and began to slam her fists against his chest, gripping at his shirt. Trying to stop her flailing hands, he held her a little tighter.

"Can you imagine how I felt, seeing you standing there killing yourself? It's bad enough that I have to see you hurt yourself with that damned blade...that I can just barely handle, knowing that if you fell, I would catch you...Lavi...I can't – loose you. I..."

"Aaaand what do we have here? Lavi! Are you attacking our poor Tohru!?"

With a gasp, Tohru squirmed out from Lavi's arms and ran into the house, slamming the shoji screen behind her.

"Damnit Haru! We were talking! She was going to say something to me! Damnit, damnit, ahhg! _Damnit Haru!_"

Haru's laughter was cut off as quick as it started. He could see the tears in Lavi's eyes and hear the angry pain in his voice.

"Okay...what's going on here...Usually Tohru blushes crimson and hides against your chest...Diiiid something...happen?"

Plopping down on the wooden walk way, he hid his face in his hands and groaned. The two friends sat there silent, each lost in their own thoughts. Lavi's mind flew high to the clouds...then slammed down into the earth. What was she going to say? She'd already said her piece with him and his cutting...what was she going to say before Dumb Ass over here interrupted? Tossing that aside for the moment, Lavi made up his mind to go and find her. To see what she really needed to say.

"Haru...just – go...go toss Momiji around..."

Clapping his friend on the shoulder, he went inside and up to Tohru's room. Knocking on the door, he slid it open...only to slam it shut. A few heartbeats later, she popped out of her room, dressed in a robe to find him sitting on the ground, head between his knees, gasping.

"Tohru – I am – so so so sorry!"

When her tiny hand came up to cup his face, he trapped it in his own and held it against his chest. The neck of her robe was a little loose and he couldn't help but let his eyes wonder. When she giggled and snatched his chin in her free hand, he couldn't help but wrap his arms around her waist and tug her close. Looking quickly in her eyes, Lavi held her comfortably tight and captured her lips with his. In that one kiss he apologized...in that one kiss, she forgave. In that one kiss – they both confessed their love...hesitant, fearful, new...so full of hope.

Still kissing Tohru, Lavi gently lifted her, supporting her back and just below her knees and carried her towards her room. The door shut with the lightest snap.

Down the hall, a certain white haired man gave a little cheer and pumped the air with his fist.

_**Aaaahhhg! So – I'm committed...HUGH! It will be a VERY SOFT lemon IF I'm brave enough...any hints or tips!? XD *hides under the bed***_


	24. Unforgettable

_**Okay! Here we go! DON'T LAUGH! Or I'll send Lavi with his hammer after you... xD**_

Picking up his chopsticks, Lavi tried to ignore the man sitting across from him. The grin on Haru's face scared the hell out of him though. It was like he _knew _something...! Looking around, he tried to figure out what. Minutes of silence passed, the red head just sat there, enjoying the moment. Looking again at Haru, he was over joyed to see his friends head buried in a book. When Tohru shifted in her seat, her arm brushed against his and he couldn't help but blush a deep crimson.

Adjusting his seat and clearing his throat, he hoped to hell no one noticed. Soft laughter across the table from him sent his hopes crashing down against the rocks. When he looked, Tohru had stood and began to clear the table. Seeing his way out, Lavi got up to help...only to be stopped by Haru snapping his fingers.

"So Lavi...how was your night?"

A Cheshire grin crossed his friends face...and Lavi wanted too punch his lights out.

"Umm...it was..."

His mind was racing a mile a minute – he had to be very careful how he answered.

_If I say amazing, it'll give me away, if I say fun, that makes Tohru sound like a one night stand. __I don't really know how to answer here..._

"Our night was...unforgettable..."

A grin flashed across his face and he could feel his skin burn even more. Leaning his elbows on the table, he sighed and smiled at Tohru – loving the blush that crossed her alabaster skin.

_Alabaster...he could still picture her, sitting beside him on the bed, both afraid...both feeling the most bold they've ever felt. He could still feel her warm skin under his finger tips. Still feel her shiver and hear her soft intake of breath..._

"Earth to Lavi! Hey!"

Haru snapping his fingers in front of his face caught Lavi's attention. Grabbing his coffee cup, he sipped it too fast and burned his tongue. When he chugged Haru's glass of water, it was then that he realized his friend was talking...still.

"...heard a lot of laughing, must've been a good movie! What was it about?"

"Movie?"

_What the hell is he talking about...?_

"Yeah, a movie...I heard you and Tohru laughing and hushing each other. Kyo almost broke down the door to tell you to turn the movie down and stop being so loud. I accidentallytripped and he got steamed and went back to bed..."

_Once again, his mind flashed back to last night. This time, she lay down below him, her arms trying to hide her beauty from his curious eyes. Grinning, he gently kisses her lips, holding her a little closer and marveling at how smooth and lithe her body was below him. He'd nearly lost his mind when she whispered his name..._

Yeah, ah...thanks for that, hey?"

"Mmm – for that you owe me an answer..."

Confused, Lavi shook his head, a question just about to pass his lips. Haru held up his finger and crooked it towards the red head. Lavi leaned forward and was a little creeped out when the white haired man whispered in his ear. He could hear laughter in Haru's voice.

"How was she?"

_Lavi could feel her hold him tighter, whispering his name like a prayer. It was all he could do to not make her see how much he wanted her. Instead, he settled to kissing her neck and nibbling her ear...delicious shivers melted down his spine at her reaction..._

Sighing, Lavi cupped his cheeks in his hands, puffing out a breath. Haru wrinkled his nose and leaned back. Waving a hand in front of his face, he whooshed a breath and his face turned serious.

"Lavi...I hate to say this bud but...you _really _need to stop using _mint toothpaste! _Try Cinnamon!"

"I was using mint for years...besides...Tohru said she likes it..."

"Aha! You _were_ kissing her! How else would she get the taste of your toothpaste?! Admit it! You liked it! Was she good? How long did you go? Did she like it?"

Holding up a hand to stop his friends questions, he knew there was no going back. Taking a deep breathe, he squared his shoulders and nodded. Haru grinned and reached across the table, hugging him.

"Haaahaha! My little Lavi is a man now!"

Groaning, Lavi sighed and smashed his face against the table as Haru chatted on. This was going to be a _long _day...!

_He could still feel her warmth in his arms as the two lay there, enjoying the after shocks of their love making...right before his eyes slipped closed in sleep, he kissed her swollen lips gently and whispered what he'd wanted to say all night..._

"_Tohru...I love you, with all of who and what I am...my heart is yours..."_

_A warm smile crossed his face and a single tear fell down his cheek as he heard the words he so ached to hear...she loved him too..._

_**Not much of a lemon but there it is! I like it ! so...there! Excuse me while I go hide in a hole now...!**_

_**~A Soulless Poet**_


End file.
